cluttering the net since 2001


Saturday, Apr. 16, 2005
My ex-husband made me so truly destroyed inside that I can never forget what that vast emptiness feels like regardless of how much I have filled up my heart since I’m always aware of how badly one person can hurt you when you love them. I have tried for the last 2 ½ years to constantly remind myself that my current fiancé is not my ex. I remind myself nearly weekly because somewhere along the week something happens that is nothing like what my ex did and I panic within. I get that old familiar agony wash over me like I’m in constant “safety” mode because what if what if I let him see how much he is loved…will he leave? Will he say mean things that will harm me more?

My ex….I keep trying to forgive him. I have days where I think I have done so. And then that former agony washes over me in some unguarded moment when I feel currently threatened by really nothing but a mere mention or a memory of some time in the past when I trusted and opened my soul to someone else….and I can’t hug the sidewalk tight enough and I feel myself close off like a large door bigger than from the ground to the sky and the fear envelopes me as though I’m a child hiding from a stranger in a dark dark place.

I have to crawl out of that place and remind myself that this is a new life…a new place….and that is gone and over.

But just like when I hear that little section of music from the Amityville horror film and the fear takes me by the arm……my past….is just like that….it lurks….it transforms…as quickly as it comes…it goes….I shut it out…but it haunts me still.
12:47 a.m. ::
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