cluttering the net since 2001

protect you, that's all i want to do

Monday, Aug. 18, 2003
Tonight I was cleaning out my desk drawer of the computer desk. It’s “our” drawer now, but I haven’t looked in there since the split of 2002. (hahaha sounds like the Flood of 77..for which I lived through in Johnstown, PA….not the famous flood…just the one I was alive for). Ok so anyways, I hunted through that drawer and found an old address book of mine from previous marital days. Amazing that I’d still have such a thing, there’s a go’zillion addresses in there in the back of it. At one time I wrote down all the addresses that I ever had. I just jotted in the last 4 addresses I’ve now also had and that totals up to 13. This address, the one I’m at now is my 13th address. Eerie…I wonder what’s up with that?? Maybe it’s a lucky number for me and I’m going to be at this address for quite some time. I can only hope. I for one am sick of moving.

Ok so I was hunting through this ancient address book and found the phone number for a former boss/friend of mine named Mike. I was 19 when I worked that job. 19 when I got kicked out of my parents house, 19 when I had no one to talk to and Mike was old by my standards then. He was in his early thirties and was the manager at the record store we both worked at. Yeah I said record store..that’s just how old I actually am. He told me not to marry ex. He said it was a mistake. He said I was grasping. He was right. Tonight when I found his phone number back in Johnstown, I called him. And it rang twice and he answered the phone. He hasn’t move at all. I have had 13 friggin addresses and Mike’s still in the same house as way back then. Unreal to me. Mike’s still happily married and I’m happily astounded to find that out. The thing that’s awesome about Mike is that it’s been about 6 or 7 years since I last contacted him and he was still all about “OMG Krisssssssssty how the hell are you?? I just was talking about you the other day and damn now if you’re not on my phone….don’t you love how your mind can summon up someone like that?” Mike’s doing well, and Mike hasn’t changed, and the last time I saw him he was painting a chiropractors office in Pennsylvania, in a crap town called Windber, and that was back when Bucky was toddling around. The oddest thing about tonight’s conversation was that he said he never thought ex and I were the right match. But then again, isn’t that easy to say now? He said and I quote, “you will have a hard time finding someone that will understand you, all that dysfunctional shit with your family…..”

If that’s true, I’m doomed in every relationship I ever have. I wonder why he said that…when he’s happily married. He understood my dysfunction back then more than any other person I had ever met. That’s why almost 15 years later he and I can still talk and find common ground. I wish Mike many more happy marital days. His wife…she’s always been the silent other half. In all the years I have known him, I never so much as met her except from a distance. Whoever she really is as a person, she must understand his dysfunction well. I’m glad he found her.

It was weird to call an 814 number again, it was like a time warp and I was like a dali print deformed and arriving in another place and time in a matter of seconds. I am not that same girl, I am better in so many ways. I have prospered in places, I have drowned in others. I have realized that no matter what drug I pop, no matter what peace I find, there will always be a part of me that is forever mangled to the past, so much so quickly lost. Mike was there the day I had the same clothes on and simply said, “they finally did it”….and I broke down in tears. He said, “did what?” I said, “ended the nightmare for a new one.” Or something like that. Mike hugged me. For that, I am still grateful. He was holding CD’s in the backroom of NRM and he dropped them flat and the plastic crushed under my 1988 Nike’s and I leaned into his blue perfectly ironed shirt and cried my eyes out and when we parted we both looked away but I hope he knew. I think he did. When he hears my voice now, it’s that same fatherly concern that he always had….it’s a nice feeling, because its something I never get from real family.

One old address book, cheesy balloons on the top, yellowed pages with too many sites to memories too bad.

There are other things going on…nothing I want to discuss here…don’t’cha just hate that??? Lol

a special thanks to bf for your help tonight….i love you!

To the few intelligent readers who left their mark, thank you for your kind words and for your take on things from the prospective of someone that knows. I spoke at length to a girl in my d.v. class on Tuesday and she brought me to tears and then she hugged me and made me smile. She said that if I overreacted it was simply because I love my child and want to protect his innocence. That’s truly all I want for him.

12:58 a.m. ::
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