cluttering the net since 2001


Tuesday, Jan. 15, 2002
Sometimes I feel completely isolated from the real world. Like I'm trying to lose myself so that I don't have to feel anymore pain.

Sometimes I wonder why I try to explain myself to anyone....just so they can fall asleep on my emotions.

Sometimes I realize that the windows to my core are malfunctioning just like the ones on my pc. I need to be reinstalled.

I have these moments where I just want to move out. Go sit and stare at 4 walls and cry for a year or two. Moments where I think Bucky needs to stay with his dad and I need to go find myself.

Tonight on the phone "he" said "you don't want to leave do you?" To which I replied "I want to leave everything...that is the thing that scares me...I want to walk out on everything and go stare at walls until I start to think for myself again.

Tonight he told me about some girl there thats local and how he gave her advice and helped her straighten out her life. I almost started to cry on him. I just said in this really pathetic voice.. "I don't want to be a science experiment to you...I want to be something more than all of that...that pattern that I see." He maybe got it..maybe he didn't....I don't know....I really don't. I remember I said "I would stop talking to you for days upon days and work out my stuff all by myself rather than have you see me like that." He said "Who gets the most of my time?" "Who?" to which I could only say.... "I don't know..I only see your life through this fucking microscope." He said "you really don't know?" and he started to name off all these things he's done for me....and I just feel guilty.

Like I'm not whole enough to deserve anyone's time right now. Like I told him....I'm on E. Just on E. So much of the time on "E".

The sad part is I'm gonna go lay in bed and stare at the ceiling and listen to that person breathing next to me and try with all my might not to cry right now.....fuck this sucks.....I told him I was on E...I was on the edge of my tears and he said "I need to sleep...I can't think anymore." And all my tears came to a screetching halt. I believe I need to let go of "him". To save "him" from "me".


We're still and quiet now
It's oh so silent now
You're anxious to cry thats why
so anxious to cry
-Seven Trees
1:39 a.m. ::
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