PoeticaL
cluttering the net since 2001

sweeping up the shards

Wednesday, Jan. 04, 2006

Sometimes when I come home from work I feel wiped out, tired, spent.  In fact I would say that’s most of the time and judging from my co-workers and what they have to say to me about the nature of our work they too feel this same way.  I start out my day on F for full of energy and spunk and a wealth of good cheer.  By 5 p.m. I am tired, worn down, on E.  E for empty.  E for I have nothing left to give or be.  E for irritated and agitated and not looking forward to spending a few hours working on school work.  E for me is for all things trying.

 

And then I get home and want to “zone” out.  The zone out time for me happens to usually coincide with when my husband and I are in the same room for the first time all day.  I think while I am in zone out mode Rick is in a “say hello to me…hug me…give me attention zone”.  Remember I am “spent” and on “E” and he is “come see me”.

 

I have noticed that some days he doesn’t get home until later and then I am ok.  I have had a chance to recoup and find my mind again.  I have sometimes had a chance to make a hot cup of tea or take a hot bath and get in touch with myself again.  When neither of these things happen or I simply come home and sloth myself onto the couch then there is a clash of zones.

 

My zone when pushed turns into “bitch’alicious” zone and it’s not ooey gooey like bubble gum.  His zone comes across to me as “needy” and I can’t be bothered with needy when I’m on E.

 

Tonight I found myself smashing emotionally into a brick wall of frustration.  He had been doing something (turned out to be cleaning) in the kitchen cabinets and had strewn dishes and containers across the counter and throughout the sink. Some clean some dirty. The sink was full of water and I couldn't even wash my hands without clearing away a mess.  The same sink that I just cleared up last night.  This rubbed against my “E zone” like nails against a chalkboard.  I tried desperately to express myself about how I felt that I was an android put here to simply robotically do the same things day in and day out and day in and day out and how I felt unappreciated for being an android and how much I feel that I can never find the time to catch up on all that is my life.  How I feel like he resents my time I spend studying (and who wouldn’t…really? Because he’s in “need” zone and I am in “must do something else” zone and we don’t find the kind of time I would like to find for “each other” enough.

 

Ok if you’re still reading to this point then you must either be Rick or you’re waiting for me to tell you that he did some horrific thing…..  Guess again…. I’m a bitch.  I did some horrible thing.  When I couldn’t seem to grasp his attention or understanding and while the irritation level and dial kept screaming at me “You are on E Kristy…you are on E and you don’t have anything left to give….” I did something irrational.  Something I keep telling my shrink about and she keeps telling me I’m sane and sane people don’t do these things.  …..

 

I had been in the kitchen speaking to him (he was in the living room) and he didn't respond to my blathering. I got pissed and felt ignored ....I picked up a small lunch size plate off the living room end table and intentionally and with frustration and anger threw it straight down on the floor while stating some such thing like “Why does it take this for me to get your attention???”

 

Yah horrific.  This is exactly the behavior that my own mother displayed often and I hated her for it for years.  This is not behavior I display around my son so don’t send me hate mail about such things.  I haven’t thrown things in a long while now.  In fact I can’t truly recall the last time.  I’m a banger meaning I bang my fists I bang things …mostly doors and drawers….   I get louder as I feel smaller.  Read that again.  I get louder as I get smaller.

 

When I feel small and unheard I scream and bang and seemingly demand attention.

 

Stupid twit that I am.

 

Rick’s a great guy who tolerates my frustrations but tonight…..yah I pissed him off because face it…screaming and throwing things….NOT ATTRACTIVE.  For me it’s hard to explain how I start to feel as though I am shrinking and not important to the other person in the room when they don’t turn and look at me and listen and engage in my conversation.

 

I said he was in “needy” zone and I was in “E” zone….I think I was really in nEEdy zone….don’t you?

 

I love my husband and he truly tries to make me happy.  He does.  I have tried to do more for him than I have in the past.  I have tried to take on more housework and clean this joint up.  In my efforts I have felt overwhelmed and unsupported.

 

I am a college student.  I spend time on my laptop in class and then I periodically “zone” out by reading blogs or amazon.com because quite honestly spending 8 hours a day at work talking college and 2 hours a night engaged in my own education leaves not enough time to do enjoyable things.  I try to take a hot bath every night..why?  This  helps me to zone out and relax and find inner peace again so I’m not throwing luncheon plates at the floor.

 

A question for the shrink….Why do I find such pleasure in the sound of a cracking plate and why does this grab someone’s attention but I can’t simply seek it and gain it in a good way???

 

Yah ok..now you can attack me for being a bitch to my sweet husband. 

 

I left shortly after this incident because I felt like a shit and needed to regroup my head.  It’s odd how if I remove myself from the situation I can easily regroup and come to my senses about things.  I did that.  I had a cup of coffee and copied down a few recipes at the bookstore and next thing you know I just want to hug my husband and admit myself to a psyche ward or something.

 

I came home and noticed that he had neatly organized the cabinets earlier (thus causing the discarded things that needed washed earlier in the evening.  I could take pictures and you’d think it was something out of “Sleeping with the Enemy” where Julia Roberts character anally arranged the cabinets to her husbands liking.  Husband was already in bed trying to get some shut eye.  I went in there and hugged him and tried my best to apologize.  But in his world there’s an 18 hour turn around time on forgiveness. 

 

Plates don’t solve shit.  I need to find a way to regroup before I walk into the door.  I have tried to stop somewhere and do that prior to coming home but then I have given him the impression that I do not want to rush home to him.  Gahh…..

 

Marriage is work.  Marriage is trying.  Marriage is a ship on the sea of love….you try not to destroy the sails or get encumbered with the storms waters…..

 

I love you honey….I’m sorry I threw water into the ship instead of out of it…..

 

At the bookstore I bought “Passionate Marriage” by David Schnarch, Ph.D. This marriage is truly a gift to me and I want to be the wife that he deserves……

 

I swear if you say something nasty to me about my husband I’ll scratch your internet eyes out….if you tell me I suck for throwing plates I’ll nod and agree so don’t bother... I love you honey... Tonight I hate myself....what a turn of events ...to love your spouse and hate yourself...this is all new to me...

10:58 p.m. ::
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