cluttering the net since 2001

I need that..you have that...give that up....

Tuesday, Mar. 01, 2005
Hey http://dukkha-tanha.diaryland.com I read the entire entry…and….my comment turned into an entire entry of my own…

I read the whole damn entry because I get the whole thing. I have been cheated on within marriage twice. First time was his ex-girlfriend from the years before we ever met. He took off and quit his job and took our son to NY with him. HE was a absolute DICKHEAD for that one. I allowed him to come back because he left me financially a mess and I wanted my son back. The second time it was the neighbor and he's now married to her. Once a cheater always a cheater as some of your friends can prove.

Lastly, after the first affair I did cheat on him. A few times. But c'mon now he left the state and took my son away and so from that point on my opinion was the marriage was over and it was only a matter of time. But...wait....in the course of cheating there was the oral sex fiend..he was great he'd go down for hours and he taught me things about myself that I needed to learn. Then there were the ones that wanted something more and in that state of mind I could never think clearly. Then there were the online affairs. There were the ones that I actually met and slept with and there's the infamous hamburger boy. He left huge impressions. Yes I now refer to them as affairs when I didn't then because emotionally that's what they were. If you read far enough back in my diary you'll read about "him". I loved him almost more than I've ever loved anyone and I have never met him. We still talk on occasion but those strong emotional ties are not there. Yes I still care for him as a person and I realize I used him for emotional support and the scope of the friendship has largely changed. He's getting married and I'm getting married...to different people and not each other.

Lastly, I have been the girl cheated on, I have been the girl sneaking around having awesome sex with great guys, I have fallen in love and clung to that love like a life raft. I have put up with far too much from a husband because of the vows that it would appear only I (in that partnership) felt were important. I have snuck around behind someone's back, I have been the other woman, I have slept with married men (I said slept...I didn't say FUCKED...there is a difference) that weren't my husband. I have apologized to a wife for doing that. I have been on the fence, I have been nailed to the fence, I have looked over at what I thought was the greener grass on the other side of the fence and I have rolled in the green grass that was on the other side with complete abandon for right or wrong and sometimes I have loved every single minute and adored the grass stains on my soul from doing so.

But....if I had it all to do over again I'd still fall to my knees and beg God and every other power that be to allow me to have been happily married forever because that's all I wanted then and it's all I think about when I see my son. All that didn't go the way I wanted it to go. And now picking out a wedding dress, it's all I think about. I want forever, not just another ceremony.

And now..now I am going down the road of hope again, hoping that it goes right..hoping that it's forever, knowing that there's a good chance that it will be because he loves me and love doesn’t cheat on love.

And yet sometimes even now I find myself walking down the road and I still peek in through the white slats of the fences and I still smell the grass on the other side and every now and then someone on the other side reaches out to me and I wonder, I wonder how it might be over there. I lift my hand up on occasion and I almost reach back. The occasions happen when I’m unsure as a person. Unsure that I’m good enough to have forever. They happen when something excites me and makes me wince with wonder. And then I realize that all I want out of life is someone to be next to for the rest of my life. Arms to hold me, fingers to wipe away my tears. Someone steadfast and true and good and believable in all their actions and verbs. I want forever...

Yes there's always going to be that part of me that wants that newness, flowers delivered, poems written, books bought and wrapped, and words typed across flesh and kites with strings of words perfect. All the romantic mush. I want it, and I wonder if I don’t get all of it if one day that white fence will be bashed in with my desire’s that will surely grow as big as a bulldozer and roll over it all with want so big that nothing can stop it then. I want to be tied up on occasion, smacked with sexual angst and insistence, I want thongs ripped out with teeth and the mixture of things I have once known to be part of my every day. I want oral to be daily and roughness on occasion. I want things that I can’t figure out how to invent within all the other beauty that I have.

Yes I will write it and admit it and say loudly, there are things I want to be a part of the package I am buying because I have gone without but don’t know…for how long will it be enough. I want all the things that every woman wants, but I know you can't get them by jumping the fence; I need to get them on my own playing field with my own teammate. It just doesn't work that way no matter how fun it might be momentarily to skid across the grass and jump for joy in the bliss. It's fleeting and I have yet to find that it's worth the tears and anguish that failing at commitment will surely cause.

I want flowers…I deserve them. I want poetry; if you love me you’ll do those things too. I want to be pushed down and taken and I want a man, a man that will control me and make me bite my lower lip with a slight tinge of fear. I want to be all women and not know that there are things I could have perhaps on the other side. And I shouldn’t’ have to ever think about those things when I could have them if only….

I don’t want to be searching for items to complete me….setting aside desires that make me whole, convincing myself that it’s ok if I am not pleased in areas I want. We can’t have everything right?. But…I want all of it…..I want to be loved like that so there is nothing left to want. Ever.

There are things I lack…things I always desire…things I don’t have despite asking over and over again. Things that I could have elsewhere, and yes I fear that one day someone else will wonder onto my path with promises of those things and then what? Then what? I can deny myself those things…but how? And should I have to? And if love is enough then love would fulfill all things and no one would ever cheat because it just simply wouldn’t exist.

Yes I’m going to cause myself a certain amount of hell for this entry but it’s better than the hell of saying one day, “I wasn’t happy because I was wanting this or that and that or this wasn’t there and so he came along and even though he didn’t have this this that we have…..oh god he had that and that was something I got tired of living without.

And remember this…this this that we have, it’s amazing and why not goof proof it by having all of that too? How many times have I said I needed that…and that…and how nice it might be if you did that or that for me? You know all the that’s I have asked for that over and over…and yet….our this…is still missing that….and how strong would you be if you wanted that but I wouldn’t give you that but some other she dangled her “that’s” in front of you?

2:32 p.m. ::
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