I'm so gone....I'll never find myself again

ok fair warning before you read further�don�t get all �oh that�s disgusting� on me cause I just don�t care if you think that stuff. I am very sexually oriented and rarely talk about it and I finally found someone that is that way too and I want to talk about it. I want to explore that part of me that has gone too long largely overlooked. If ya don�t want to know about it�..quit reading. I found someone that thinks like I do about everything and it�s the biggest turn on I could just scream. And he never says �what do you have on?� or �touch it for me� Lameness. He skips the lame.

But�maybe I�m just a fool�a fool �.a total fool�.god help me every time I start to care about someone there�s a huge�.huge obstacle to overcome.

Last night t and I spoke and the third sentence he said to me�.in the sweetest little shy voice� �I love you Kristy.� Oh man�.I started to cry. Do I really want someone to love me from 7,000 miles away. I must be crazy. Didn�t I do this before? Argh��.just flat out argh�.I�m so flipping stupid.

me: if I can't make you happy then I'm not worth your time
t: awww.
t: I think you are worth my time...
t: because you make me happy

~~

me: I think my biggest fantasies revolve around what life would be like if I had someone special in my life
t: ;-)
t: <---feeling all warm inside
me: i think if I had that....i've always thought that if i had that everything else would just be so easy to contend with
t: ;-)
t: it makes it easier
me: I think so
me: i think you can deal with anything if you have that one really good thing happening somewhere
t: yep..

~~

t: do you know what I have always wanted to do?
me: what?
t: Invite some friends over for dinner...
t: then about an hour before they arrive...
me: do it on the table
t: make wild passionate monkey sex on the dinning room table
me: woohooooooo you and I are so right on the same page
t: and then enjoy the meal..
t: with that though
t: isn�t that just so...
t: mmmmmmm
me: yes
me: but here's the thing...
me: I would
me: I would do it
me: then sit there feeling your seed seeping back out of me ...eating dinner....with a huge smile on my face....sneaking glances at you
t: hmmm
t: my god...you are incredible
me: giggling when someone says "the food is so great"
t: ;-)
me: know something
t: what?
me: ya know how lots of people get up after they have sex and run to take a shower
me: like they feel all dirty or something
t: nope
t: nope
t: not me
me: not me either
me: i like that feeling
t: I would rather you ride me all night...
t: then go to work with your smell all over me
me: mmmmmmmm yeah
me: see...you're the perfect one
me: not me
t: nope...
t: just an average guy is all
me: i mean ever have someone do oral on ya then go brush their teeth?
me: its like ...don't bother doin it
t: exactly...
t: and here something about me...
t: when I am doing it to you orally...
t: I like to get it all over my face....it is just such a trun on for me
me: mmmmmmm baby
t: so how did we end up in the gutter again?
me: because....I want you
t: not that I mind it
me: plain and simple
t: and I want you more

So, I�m a freak cause I think that�s the kewlest thing I ever was told about? I think it�s sexy that someone is that sexual and talks to me about it! Skip the gross comments, you know you�re looking at your table right now wanting to uh�.ya know� get your dinner on!

~~

me: you do realize I don't want one night with you...
me: I want them all
t: :-)
me: do you know that?
me: is that ok that I want that?
t: yes it is ok
t: you do realize that I could leave for a year at a time
me: yes I know
me: you're gone right now silly
me: how could I not know?
t: :-)
me: but this is how I see it
me: you're gone......in the physical sense
me: but you're right here
me: I think it would be hard to meet you and then two weeks later have you leave for a year
me: that might be pretty dang hard to do
t: ;-(
t: it is
t: I just have to make sure you never forget me is all
me: true....
t: I might have to give that lesson...
me: but that would be tough to do
me: don't you think
t: over and over and over again
me: i mean somewhere along the way we'd have to have some time to get to really know each other
t: how so?
me: well...I just mean....I can't possibly ever truly be with you if I can't ever truly be with you
t: <---confused
me: like if you came back from Afghanistan and then we met and two weeks later your gone somewhere else for a year....and yet we never really were together very long...it would be hard to call that a relationship
t: ok ...makes sense
me: but I mean if we were really together in the same place living together for like 6 months or something and then you had to go somewhere even if it was for 2 years....then you're mine and I know you're coming back to me...then that's different
me: t?
t: ;-)
me: do you understand me?
t: yes
t: I understand


~~

and then after I freak out...feeling stupid for feeling things for him....after I told him to blow me off when I act stupid...this is how he dealt with it....

me: I realize I don't want an internet boyfriend
me: you're always gonna be an internet thing
t: ok
me: grrrrrrrr
me: as in double grrr
t: NEXT
me: how can you just say ok?
t: watch....
t: o
t: k
t: ,,
t: O
t: K
t: ,,
me: t?
t: Kristy?
me: um..
t: I love you more
me: go work
t: ok you sleep
t: g'night my Princess
t: TO BE CONTINUED......