cluttering the net since 2001

James cries...

Thursday, Mar. 28, 2002
We sold our house last night. And after all the bankruptcy..etc problems we still netted a profit of $2,000. We’re pretty happy about this. The closing will be on April 10th. We sold our house to a investment company. So now we have 10 more days to clean everything out of the house. We’re almost done anyways. But this is all kewl. The house problem has been SOLVED.

In other news, James called me the other night on my cell phone. I started to explain to him my decision to move back in with husband and all that the decision entailed and he was quite upset right away and said, “well ok but I gotta go, as in I gotta go now”. I think he was quite upset. The thing is I really like James as a person but just saw that situation taking the same exact path the relationship with "him" took. Not a good one for either of us. I know now, but didn’t know then that James was planning a trip here to meet me etc. But he never said that then. So…I believe that I didn’t know for a reason. He and I have smoothed things over….but he was quite angry all because I went back to my husband. It incited this hatred….

First off.........You have hurt me to my very core. For that I can not forgive you. After all we have shared and done. This is how you repay me. Thank you for breaking my heart and my trust I had in you. You have proven me wrong once again. Thinking there was someone out there good and decent, but to have them turn and lie and deceive me all along. I thank you again.

You can remove me from your webpage, burn or destroy all my poems I have sent you and remove me from any messaging programs you have. I can not believe you did this to me. Thank you again.

I know you dont give a rats ass and you are just doing this for yourself and you think this is a big game. And all this time you played me for the fool. I thank you.

I think I should start my own poem webpage and be just like you. Hateful and deceiving and misleading. After all this time you made yourself out to be the victim and in reality you are were the criminal element. Not me. Not even the other guy in NC. IF there EVER WAS one.

I have no faith in you or trust anymore. You have systematically destoryed that.

THANK YOU Kristy, from the Blackened Core of my rotted heart THANK YOU!

Goodbye and have a wonderfully deceiving life.


And if seems like I am hurt and upset? You are damn straight I am hurt. All cause of you and your games you had to play. Thank you again for making my life the hell it always has been.

my reply… From: PoeticaL GirL
Sent: Wednesday, March 27, 2002 8:29 AM
To: shafer@….
Subject: Re: My message to you.........


Wow. I didn’t deceive you. I told you I was having some problems. You aren’t and haven’t exactly been in a position to help me. On several occasions I mentioned that you should move to FL. That you could stay with me. That I could help you get a job. All these mentions of things were laughed and scoffed at by yourself. I tried. I have cell phone bills to prove it.

I was the one that always called you. I was the one. Not you. I pursued you and you played your game. Half the time when I tried to talk to you about things that were going on here, you were typing away and half listening to me at best.

Funny…all this time you told me you had a female roommate with a child but that she was a lesbian and you were just letting her stay there. I believed your story. I listened to you and trusted you and believed in you. I tell you one thing…that I had to move, and you’re freaking out on me. I don ‘t understand this.

I’m sorry that you feel like I did something to you. I haven’t. If you really stop and think about it…I haven’t.

There is and was another guy in NC. His name is "him" (*&(*. He’s a very real thing. I trusted him. I believed he cared about me. Just as I believed you did too. When it came down to crunch time, he didn’t offer to help me or do anything concrete or real. He met someone else months ago and never told me. I trusted someone online. That he could be “real” and “really” in my life. I was wrong.

With you, I was doing the same thing again. I do care about you. I do have feelings for you. And I didn’t set out to hurt you. It’s a matter of do or die. If I stayed where I was within two weeks I woulda been worse off. Period.

My decision was a money thing only. If you can’t understand that, I’m sorry.

Believe me, I am not happy about having to move back in with him. And when you hung up the phone last night, I went outside and looked up at the sky and tears started pouring. I should have talked to you before I moved…..I tried to tell you I didn’t know how I was going to pay my bills. You were half paying attention…..I just …..I feel that my problems didn’t have to be yours. You have enough other shit going on in your life right now. You don’t need to worry about me. That’s how I felt.

I’m sorry. I'm hurting and upset too James. Don't think for a minute that youd don't matter to me now or that you never did. Because that's not true.


his reply…


I did not think I would respond back, but I feel I have to respond. I knew you were not making your payments. And I know you were looking for jobs for me. But if I were to have moved down there, It would have taken this long to find a job. And I would not receive unemployment from NC living in Florida. So we would have been fucked either way. Here atleast I had a steady income of money and with my parents help and friends help, I am not in a position of losing of my apartment.

I had posted atleast 10 different resumes to companies in the Jacksonville Area off of Monsterboard in the time we have spoken. But none of them called or cared to reply back. Yes that is something I did not tell you about. I was gonna surprise you with it when or if I got a job offering.

I NEVER played a Game. How in the heck can you say that? Was I cheating on you like your fucking husband? Hell fucking NO! I was playing my game at times YES! No doubt. I told you that LONG AGO I love that and YES a lot of my personal time is spent there. For the simple fact I have not tried to get into relationships and just hid behind the monitor enjoying what I do. How in the heck is that playing a game? *boggle*

And what is the fact of my living with a dyke have to do with anything? And the way you write in your letter, you are almost mocking it. Or mocking me. I dont appreciate that. They are moving out this weekend that goodness. And on that fact that I HAD PLANNED a little TRIP to Florida. To see YOU and to see my folks as well. Something I never told ya and was gonna surprise you with it, cause I was needing to save up the money for gas and stuff. But now.............its all a wash.

Yes I freaked out. No doubt! More out of hurt and the feeling of betrayal. When I talked to you last night you did not seem one bit remorseful about having to move back INFACT you sounds happy in a cocky sorta way. And it made ill to my stomach and my heart started to burn. You seemed uncaring and almost jovial about the whole thing. That angered me to no end. You almost seemed to relish in the fact of what you have done and the noncaring attitude you were showing made it that much worse. And you WONDER WHY I hung up? *shakes head*

As far as this “him” fuck is concerned, I dont give a shit about him. He went out with the intention to hurt you. I DID NOT! You were the one who did this! NOT ME! So dont put on the same pedastool as his sorry ass. I never lied I told you fucking everything you wanted to know.

You could have come here. But you wouldnt. I tried as much as you tried to get me to come there. But alas I am the loser. Odd man out........etc etc etc.......and you dont care honestly. Had you of cared you would have said something. But instead you just disappear and did NOT even bother to tell me. THAT SHOWS YOU DID NOT CARE! And when I called all concerned. I called you like 4 times yesterday. Did you appreciate it? Hell no. You just did your thing and that was it. It really showed me a side of you I have never seen before. And frankly I was shocked.

I cared enough about you to have listened to your problems and would have found ways to correct them. But you DID NOT trust me enough to even tell me. Which to me means you did not care. Yeah they are YOUR problems but I CARE or CARED for you. And you turned me away. Well your feelings and caring did not take into account how I would feel.

And last night after hearing the way you spoke to me. I knew then you did not care.

IF I had mattered to you? Would you have left me out in the dark? Would you have acted the way you did on the phone last night? IF you cared NO you would have not acted like that. But you did..........so that only tells me you did not care.

IN CONCLUSION................

If you dont think I care..........READ ALL THE ABOVE.........for someone who does not give a shit about you like you think I do? Would I have just written my War and Peace novel? NO!



Then we spoke on the phone and like always one on one works much better. I didn’t go back to my husband over money issues, but didn’t have the heart to tell James…who was crying on the phone with me when I told him…. I’m not heartless…

James was a ““him”” waiting to happen. And while he’s NOT “him”…it was the same situation…exactly! Been there..done that. I have the t-shirt….I’m all set already…no thanks.

12:50 p.m. ::
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