cluttering the net since 2001

I'm completely fucked...

Thursday, Sept. 12, 2002

I whine that I want someone to be there for me.
I say that I need to know someone in my life wonít bail on me.
I claim to want someone that wonít cheat on me.
I wish for someone that thinks the world of me.
I want for someone that canít possibly lie to me.
I crave someone whoís unable to hurt me.

So then why am I not madly in love with this guy who comes along and is all of these things? Why am I disinterested when he calls me? Why do I feel unable to breathe when he tries to pinpoint future plans of being with me?

And worse yet, why am I falling for a guy that claims he couldnít call me back because he was on jury duty and he couldnít talk to me on yahoo because his computer doesnít work but he was logged in for hours, a guy that tells me Iím not the only one. Why do I think about the way his face changes when he smiles? Why do I remember his cologne scent when Iím driving to work?

Why canít we just tell our hearts who is good for us? Why is it all so random?

Worse yet, when someone else wants to be close to me, why do I immediately run to husband and want him to hold me. And I know he wonít. I know heíll look at me with contempt. And I do it anyways. I think Iím co-dependent on him. Heís the only connection Iíve had for 11 years. The only family. The only person.

Even more alarming, the only man that really makes me feel like everything could be the way itís intended to be is 7,000+ miles away and is mostly M.I.A. lately. And so I torture myself with something I can never have.

Something I can never have Öis well known. Iím so used to that feeling that I seek it? Look for it? Embrace it?

And heís right there doing everything to be with me. And Iím running.

Iím completely fucked.

11:11 a.m. ::
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