cluttering the net since 2001

innocence lost

Wednesday, Jul. 17, 2002
I miss laundry room carpeting soft on my thighs. Your chain link fences made of Arizona stars. I remember your voice and the way I moaned and how you smiled across a thousand miles. The way you said I was verbally inclined where most were physically challenged. Time too much time. When I was bent over your fantasy chair waiting for word abuse you grew up in the wink of an eye. Jail time and drug clinics and all the ways to stay away from thugs. Your voice the same, the boy forever changed. A story about a cellmate pacing across the shadow of your face, things that have rearranged you. I am erased. Verbally silenced I sit. Where did that 19 year old wild boy with nasty prose go? I want the verb filled hair tease. All the shake your flesh loose rip apart your limbs anomalies. I want those wide eyed boy visions you stoked like fires melting marshmallows under July skies. You just found 23 and now the differences donít seem so small. I am no longer a mountain of maturity I am no longer far too tall. Used to breathe heavy into me now you are a sigh. All the sweet and simple things found a way to morph into stick figure complications. You ask me about February the way you always told me I was the only one. I know itís not the fact that itís all pretty words, itís the fact that I love that we both know itís a box of lies. You trip when you say you want to see my face before you trip. Itís an ok moment. A moment when all I can think to say is ok. I say ďuh...yeah ok.Ē I know that wonít happen following any adjective I catch on my magic wand. Itís not even that I want that, I just canít bear to tell you no. I just remember that 1500 days ago you were innocent. You were the chapter I learned from and then your words got lost. You were a child and I was your mental molester. You were free when I was trapped. You were a mess and it never mattered. I didnít want perfection. I just wanted to rape your smile. I used you for something, and I liked that you used me back. I showed you my pierced tongue and you licked my train tracks. I remember how you always said those lyrics right when you were about to cum. I remembered the most of them. Last night I asked you to recite. You spoke them slowly in the starkness of minus motions. They used to make me wet. Now flat words make me cry. Back then I had an open door policy. I just met a bouncer and Iím paying him a rate too high. You need ink tattooed cut ďinnocence lostĒ.

Just Past midnight I yanked a star from the sky, I used its paper cut edge to damage a memory. This morning I see the gaping hole in the truest blue. I will always feel the emptiness that is only you.

note: this is prose about someone Iíve never mentioned here before.
11:07 a.m. ::
prev :: next