lurking

My ex-husband made me so truly destroyed inside that I can never forget what that vast emptiness feels like regardless of how much I have filled up my heart since I�m always aware of how badly one person can hurt you when you love them. I have tried for the last 2 � years to constantly remind myself that my current fianc� is not my ex. I remind myself nearly weekly because somewhere along the week something happens that is nothing like what my ex did and I panic within. I get that old familiar agony wash over me like I�m in constant �safety� mode because what if what if I let him see how much he is loved�will he leave? Will he say mean things that will harm me more?

My ex�.I keep trying to forgive him. I have days where I think I have done so. And then that former agony washes over me in some unguarded moment when I feel currently threatened by really nothing but a mere mention or a memory of some time in the past when I trusted and opened my soul to someone else�.and I can�t hug the sidewalk tight enough and I feel myself close off like a large door bigger than from the ground to the sky and the fear envelopes me as though I�m a child hiding from a stranger in a dark dark place.

I have to crawl out of that place and remind myself that this is a new life�a new place�.and that is gone and over.

But just like when I hear that little section of music from the Amityville horror film and the fear takes me by the arm��my past�.is just like that�.it lurks�.it transforms�as quickly as it comes�it goes�.I shut it out�but it haunts me still.