cluttering the net since 2001

metal wings

Monday, Dec. 30, 2002
I want to find the words for how I feel right now and twist them, rape them, pillage them into something prettier than what it going on around me. I have met my match and it is myself. I am my own worst enemy. It has all fallen in. Caved in around me. The idea that I am strong and can cope and carry on,.is simply gone.

I can't fall to sleep, then I can't wake up, I can't eat but then I curl up inside the hunger pains, I don't have any more answers and I stopped caring about the questions. The walls sigh and I yell back at them..."shut up..shut up...I already know!"

I can no longer cope, no longer move. I am immobilized with fear and insecurity. Past due bills loom like large hurricanes ready to pounce on me. The ceiling moves downward all night until I can no longer breath and cold sweats move over me. I scream out and yet the only thing that thunders in my ears is silence. I roll back and forth across a big empty bed of water where I used to make love like sailboats chasing each other on the ocean.

All the ways it used to be haunt me. Like one big myriad of the past. A large scale video replaying before my eyes. I want what I had and its been gone so long and yet I mourn and rampage through the isles in my memory to find pieces of what used to be. Trying to hang on.just hang on long enough to get to what is yet to come.

I found out that I am alone, and I am not enough when I can no longer cope. Don't tell me how to cope when you no longer know.

I want to wave at big metal wings
know that hes going somewhere
where love is all there is.
I want a drug,
a new kind of cure
for all of this.


and i fell
i finally admitted
i can't do this without help
i sent out my s.o.s.
but here i am
9:48 a.m. ::
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