cluttering the net since 2001

number 6 entry of the day because its my damn diary and I want to

Tuesday, Oct. 01, 2002
I’m about to rant big time…. 2 years ago…

He cheated. He left. He said he was going for hamburgers. He took “Bucky” with him. He left me with 2 months worth of bills being behind, no money, a broken down car and no note or idea whether they were alive and safe.

During the next 21 days he barely spoke to me, most contact I had with my own child was through his then new woman. He moved my son into a one bedroom rat hole on the edge of town, got a job waiting tables and fucked his new girlfriend in the same room just feet away from my sleeping (god I can only hope he was always sleeping) son. He signed him up for a new school in NY and listed her as my sons step mother. He never sent me any money. I got two jobs. I made it to two jobs, without a car, without any family help and with little money. I barely ate, never slept and cried so much that I think most strangers thought I was on drugs because all I was ever doing was sniffling. I wanted to go and get my son, I had no car to drive there with. I wanted to get an attorney, I had no money for an attorney. So I did the only thing I could do. I worked and worked and worked and I saved money and I intended to go get him. I paid the bills and did everything I could to keep my son’s house, dogs, bedroom, basically his entire “life” in one piece. I asked no one for help outside of a ride here or there, and I always paid with gas money. I worked from 8 a.m. til 12 p.m. And like I said earlier I never slept. I bought phone cards left and right trying to contact my son. I listened to thousands of minutes full of shit from that girl in NY just enduring her so that hopefully she’d let Bucky get on the phone so that I could tell my son he was loved.

I sold some of my own belongings just to buy my son a present that I later found out he never got. I sold some more of my own belongings to pay for an alternator for my car.

I tried to pray, mostly I couldn’t think straight. I tried to put myself in his shoes, think back on 9 years of marriage and what I might have done wrong. What I should have done differently. I apologized for all the things I knew I could have done better. The times I could have been better. Oh, I thought why wasn’t I so much better so that he never wanted to leave me like that? I sat on my sons bed crying. I laid on my son’s bed pleading with the darkness to keep him safe, to whisper in his ear that mommy loved him. And the 2 times in 21 days that I heard his voice…both times he broke down into tears telling me he missed me.

A friend came to see me 2 days after he left me. The only thing I did was sit and cry and thank him for trying to help me. That was probably wrong of me, to reach out to someone that was willing to hold me. At that time I just wanted to die. But perhaps my actions were still wrong. I was too much in a fog of despair to think clearly then.

I sat alone at a night job selling credit card services while my son’s 8th birthday passed me by. I hoped that someone made him cake, I prayed that someone remembered to pull his ears 8 plus one to grow on. I wanted to die. I wanted to live to see the 9th birthday. During that time, Brad and BraN and a skant few other people tried to cheer me up, give me hope for a brighter future and remind me that I had to be strong for my son’s sake. No one came to my door. Oh wait, I take that back. Mrs. Cleaver came and gave me her offer of help if I “needed anything.”

21 days later husband called from SC and asked me to wire him some money. He was in SC coming back and couldn’t make it all the way. I wired the money, luckily I had just gotten paid. My son hadn’t eaten and all I wanted was for them to come back. I cleaned the house and I made dinner. I sat and I cried and I waited.

And then they were back. My son grabbed a hold of me and he cried and I tried so hard to smile and be strong but I eventually grabbed a hold back and just cried with him. Rocking back and forth on the floor holding my son for dear life.

For months husband still called Christmas (the girl in NY). He would hide behind the bushes, call her while running the shower. The only thing I concerned myself with was my sons safety and well being. I signed up and went to therapy for the next year and a half. I begged him to go with me and he wouldn’t go. One night he went and then he sat there saying he was uncomfortable talking about the marriage to a stranger. And he never went back.

For months and months after that I simply asked over and over, “what is it that you want?” He always hedged, never knew what he wanted. Then one day he calls me up at my job and says that he and Bucky are going back to NY and that’s that and that he’ll be bringing Bucky by my workplace so that I can say goodbye to him. I panicked and cried like a baby. A fellow coworker calmed me down. 20 minutes later husband calls and says he was wrong and doesn’t know what he was thinking but that they really aren’t going anywhere. I wondered if I’d come home to an empty house. I didn’t that night.

Three or four times after that incident husband would drag out his suitcase and tell me he was again leaving. He got a watch as a gift from her and wore it around the house in plain view and told me to simply “deal with it.”

Gradually a year passed and it became apparent that he passed the allowable threshold of time by which Christmas would allow him back into her life. Therefore she was now angry and hateful towards him and so he said that he loved me all along and must have always because he had chosen to stay.

I tried to forgive him, but there were so many lies unaccountable for. He sold my belongings, including jewelry and my deceased fathers computer. The only thing I had of my fathers to speak of. Gone. Never an explanation given…. I still don’t know about that one.

And then one day I decided that it took both of us to get to this mess and I decided to forgive him. I tried and tried to forget it all. But there were constant haunting reminders. My son had christmas gifts that he still has that the other woman bought and shipped. I allowed this shipment because husband had lost his engineering job when he bailed on me. Without her gifts, my son would have suffered without a christmas. This seemed entirely out of the question especially following his absence for 21 days. So that year I sat and watched him open gifts from the “other” woman. I cried. My son was happy. I hid the tears.

Eventually it all wore its toll on me and in March of this year I decided to move out and get a new perspective on things. I still really didn’t want a divorce. I wanted fresh air and some sense of normalcy so that I could think straight and make hopefully better decisions. I moved out. We had a financial agreement. I helped him pay some bills and then he never helped me in return as pre-planned. Then he was starting to feel ill and then he was unable to feed Bucky. And was promising that things would be different. I had made the choice to spend my paycheck on getting Bucky some food. A few days later was the night I walked in on him and Mrs. Clever, she was crawling out the window.

This was infidelity number 2. I still never cheated on him. Yes, I had friends that were men. No one that I saw in person, they were in my computer. The only incident that could even be considered to be questionable was my allowing Glenn to fly from Providence to FL to see me right after husband left originally. But considering that he left and I didn’t know then if my son was alive, well I have no excuse for my actions except to say but there for the grace of god go you, then you might understand. I also didn’t sleep with Glenn but rather watched him sleep while I cried and pined away from my own family to come back.

After the second incident with Mrs. Cleaver I was already bound to moving back in due to the financial mess I placed myself in just in order to feed my son. In retrospect I would do the same thing again a thousand times as feeding Bucky is not optional.

Have I cheated since then? Yes. Has he? Yes. Do two wrongs make a right? No. Am I wrong to cheat and never have left first? Yes. Am I perfect? No. Do I have lots of money? No. Do I have an expensive car I could give up to have gotten the money together to do things “right”? No. Do I have a family to lean on for support and help so that I could simply leave a bad situation the “right” way? No.

Would I have ever left my husband prior to all of this? No. Did I ever cheat on him prior to the first incident in NY? No. Am I a horrible person for wanting love and understanding and for wanting to get through all of this however necessary? No. I am human. I’m not perfect.

I didn’t decide that someone else looked better to me. I didn’t decide that single parenthood was a good looking or ideal plan of action. I didn’t lie to anyone. I didn’t sell anyone’s things. I didn’t leave a spouse high and dry. I didn’t rip apart anyone’s life just for my own happiness. I am not judgmental. I know things happen. I know that some people do things with all good intentions and then all of the sudden they realize they have created a huge cluster fuck out of their lives. I know how quickly things can spin out of control.

I don’t judge anyone for these things. I never have.

Furthermore, I don’t judge you either. I just think you need to look at your entire picture and realize that you left her in most likely a bad situation. You pulled the rug out from under her feet. You probably destroyed her self-esteem and self-love. You have no way of knowing the implications that you have created for other people’s lives. I think I might know how she feels right now. Is she right for abandoning her child? No. Is she right for not seeing her own daughter? No. Are there most likely justifiable reasons for her actions that you deem un-noteworthy? Yes. Your story is one side of a most likely very complicated one. I have compassion for both sides. God intended us to marry, marry for life, and be strong pillars of love for each other. That was my only intention in life. No I haven’t lived your life, I know this. But you haven’t lived mine either. To think that we as humans can make blanket statements that cover all circumstances is quite a shallow viewpoint to hold.

I said, “til death do us part.” When I said it, I meant it. He brought sin into our marriage, and I fell on my knees and forgave him. I still tried to embrace my marriage and pray for its health. I can want for these things, I can’t make another person want for them with me.

Despite what you or anyone else thinks of my current actions, I have done the best that I can do. I still believe that infidelity is wrong. I am not a proponent of it. Have I done it? Yes, two strikes and it was all over. He did it twice and all I ever wanted after that was for someone to hold me, lie to me. Tell me that it would all be better one day. One day…. if someone held me just one day, I could make it to the next day and do the things necessary for my son. Every decision I have made has been in the best interest of my son and his welfare.

You are not walking through my life, I am not walking through yours. I just wish you’d put down your political activism sign in favor of marriage and all that it means when you yourself couldn’t with all of your actions live what you say you believe in.

I pray that our children never know the evils of the mistakes that we have both made. You are no better than me. You are no worse. If you would like Chloe to see her mother, why don’t you have grandma drive her to see her Mommy? Just a thought….

I asked a very good friend of mine his opinion on my infidelity of late. He said, “I disagree with infidelity but I don’t think most people know what you have been through. Nor have I ever been you.”

2 years ago, my life changed. I wish I could rewind it all and play it all out differently. I wish I could go back to day one. I might have a marriage then. I didn’t bail on it. He did. I forgave him. He bailed again.

You are not in my life just because you read my diary. You’re judgmental and it makes you so ugly. My husband walked out and fucked around in the process. I would say that looking at his current health situation that Karma has bit him back. Karma catches up to us all….

Is my marriage over? All signs point to yes. Do I still love my husband? All signs point to yes. Am I going to ever do everything right? Probably not. Am I doing the best I can for my son? Every single day…

7:29 p.m. ::
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