I�m drinking coffee every morning and enjoying the liquid without guilt. Thrilled to see pumpkin, my favorite bliss, I move it around my teeth, my gums feeling the simple grit of each crumb. I�m paying all of my bills early so that no one will have to if there is a later or after. I�m planning on buying band aids and peroxide because this time I will be prepared if this preparation is necessary. I�m complaining to no one, for there�s really little to complain about. I imagine my recovery, my renewal or perhaps my demise. Then realize its like Christmas; I'll just have to wait for the surprise.

I go to grocery stores for the fun of it, looking around like it�s a trip to the amusement park. I wonder when next I might have cotton candy and then I tsk tsk myself for wanting sugar. Sugar is bad for you now I tell myself. But myself doesn�t care. For right now myself lives like today is the last day and I want dessert for dinner and sex for breakfast and then I want to spend hours petting my dog and listening to Rick breathe at 3 a.m.

I watch rain storms with wonder and awe at the power the sky leashes onto the earth. I imagine lightening to be the ink from an angel's pen.

At work I enjoy the bothersome interruptions, the never ending ringing phone, I even treasure the long boring meetings and the long ranting co-workers, because this is my life. The life that I�ve built. And I want to not lose it or exit from it ever incomplete. This is my life and I want to simply enjoy.

I throw my garbage on the floor of my car, who cares I don�t, it�s effortless to let go. I take the elevator and stare at the lights as they move; this simple act is a moment that most don�t realize exist. I listen to friends complain and I calmly retort, �life is a joy if you just , well if you just simply insist.�

I don�t want to push things nor do I want to wait. I do not want to want more, I�m happy for what it all is, because if you look twice life is just covered with �elate�. I try to slow myself and feel every bone. I try to thank my hands for their skill at dialing the silly telephone. I�m grateful that my body does what it must; I have more hope than I can gather my trust.

I�m floating on wishes and memories and dancing like fireflies in a jar. I just hope that the doctor can pour me back out with the dusk. I plan nothing and do little and call it a vacation, I ask for more than I used to but I don�t care if they comply.