cluttering the net since 2001


Thursday, Aug. 29, 2002

Itís 2 a.m. and I want to write to you and tell you all the things flying through my mind but theyíre not always pretty kite string thoughts. Theyíre jumbled and laced with rejection and bad feelings. I canít always put it all into words. Sometimes I think if I really found a way to do it, Iíd scare you so bad youíd never speak to me again. Sometimes I think I want to chase you away because I love you too much for someone Iíve never touched. I wonder if its even possible for a person to feel all the things I feel. And sometimes I just am my own worst enemy. I keep trying to breath and act nonchalant like itíll be ok either way. But I already know it wonít.

I know because when I think of all the possibilities some of them scare me so bad that the walls seem to be squeezing my lungs like a vice. And then the lump comes into my throat and I want to cry just to make all the pressure stop. But the tears that keep rolling down my face tonight arenít because of you. I just want to run to you and tell you because I already know you would let me. You haveÖ

Have you ever just wanted someone to hold you? Just hold you and not ask you for anything and not ask you why you just need to feel like you are real and good and ok. Just to know that you matter for five minutes. That you are tangible and really alive?

Have you ever felt that way and just knew it was all stupid but you asked to be held and then been sucker punched so hard for it that you canít even breath anymore? And have you ever known in your heart that the only person that can truly make you whole is thousands of miles away and you think youíre gonna split wide open if you canít ever find that place you found with them again?

Have you ever known that if you could just hear someoneís heart beating in the dark it would be ok to cry and not just cry because youíre alone, but cry for every bad thing that ever happened and just let it die. Let it all go and grow wings and fly somewhere magical and beautiful just once? Have you ever looked at a flower and wondered which petal came first? How did it outlast the loneliness of being the only one long enough to see the stem fill itself all up?

Have you ever gotten an email from a psycho girl that knows no one else would let her do this, this crazy psycho babble and understand it at all? Or just say they do so she feels ok again?

Yeah I thought maybe you have. Sometimes I am sleep deprived, sad and just plain pathetic. Sometimes when the morning comes I canít believe or remember where the flood of sadness came from. Most times I feel stupid for ever having felt this way. Iíve mostly never told anyone that sometimes even I just fall apart and wish there was some wizard behind a curtain that could glue me all back together.

But right now I just wish I could curl up next to you and know without a doubt that there is truly something good. And when I lay down and concentrate on the sound of my own heartbeat, I do know in my soul that you are right here inside me forever.

When you read this, by then Iíll be ok. By then Iíll find some strength somewhere that I canít find now. So donít worry about me, because Iím always ok. I just needed you and this was all I could do. And donít feel bad because if you werenít there for me, I wouldnít have hit send. When the sun comes out Iíll feel really stupid for this, but I donít think Iíll ever be sorry I came to you. I know you would hold me, say nothing, and just let me cry. Sometimes, like right now, that is more than enough to just know that. That you wouldÖ

Yeah so sometimes I'm a little melodramatic, eh? But I feel better now...

I love you,
2:25 a.m. ::
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